


I got everything at my fingertips (How can I resist when it feels like this?)

by komkommertijd



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Accidents, Eventual Happy Ending, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, Light Angst, M/M, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:19:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23072329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komkommertijd/pseuds/komkommertijd
Summary: No matter what hardships life throws his way, Max Verstappen will always come out on top. There is no doubt and he proves it every single day, with every single step he takes, with every improvement of his health after the accident. He is strong and brave and he owes it to the people who mean the most to him, the ones who worry the most, the ones who care the most and the ones who risk the most to be with him, the ones who risk getting hurt by being close to him.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 64





	I got everything at my fingertips (How can I resist when it feels like this?)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh look it's me again.  
> This was mostly inspired by the McLaren movie which I just watched again a few days ago. Some parts of it just really stick with me every time.  
> I don't really know where the idea of Max and a crash came from but I hope it turned out okay.  
> Does this qualify as Angst? I don't really think so and I'm bad at writing it anyway, so consider this sad but maybe not angsty. I feel sorry for not really putting the grief the characters would deserve in here, but maybe it's still there? It's for you to decide I guess.  
> Thanks as always to everyone who takes their time to read this and leave comments, it's been a great motivation and certainly helped me a lot to survive my mock exams last week.
> 
> I am still not a native English speaker nor do I have friends who could beta read this for me, so please kindly ignore any mistakes but feel free to leave advice if you have any, it helps a lot with improving my work.
> 
> The title is from Feels Like This by Maisie Peters, although I'm not quite sure whether it fits oops.
> 
> And now, enjoy.  
> :)

Speed does not exist when you are in the car. Your mind completely synchronizes with the elements you are competing against, and speed is simply one of them. 

Max has always been careful in his own way, he has been dealing with those elements in ways that seemed risky and reckless, but he is always in control. He is the one who controls the elements, never the other way around. He has mastered the art of making delicate movements look aggressive and carefully planned overtakes appear like spontaneous attacks. He always plans ahead, always knows what he is doing and he always stays in control of his car and everything that surrounds it. As soon as the visor of his helmet hides the determination and focus in his eyes, as soon as the roaring of the engine fills his ears and his head, as soon as he wraps his fingers around the steering wheel he becomes one with his car. One entity. One deadly weapon. One hope for millions of fans and everyone who cheers for him.

The first time he sat in an actual Formula One car it felt weird and foreign, not quite right just then. The first time he is allowed to drive it, it feels like coming home and throwing himself into unknown adventures at the same time. He tested the brakes for the first time and it felt like kicking a brick wall, he had to put all his weight and force in his body to push as hard as he can. When his engineer cheered and praised him for hitting 65 percent, he had a moment of doubt. 65 percent where he was supposed to get at least 75 in every corner in order to get the brakes working. 65 out of 100 that he was supposed to reach if he floored it. He was angry at himself when he only got 87 percent at the end of the day, but he put all his effort into improving.

A Formula One car feels unbelievably smooth and perfect, almost like a rocketship. The mechanical grip is amazing and Max falls in love with it all over again whenever he gets to drive that car. He feels so synchronized with every fiber of his own being and every fiber of the car, he feels the blood rushing through his veins like the fluids through the engine and he feels free when he is flying down the straights, his stomach a mile behind him until he hits the brakes. It feels amazing and Max knows that he does not want to do anything else for the rest of his life. 

When the news of the Formula Two tragedy reaches him, Max's world shatters in front of his eyes. Not just because of the talent they all lost in just a matter of seconds, but the crippling realization knocks the air out of his lungs and he falls to his knees with the weight of the situation crashing down on him. It is horribly selfish and he knows it but all he can think is _what if that was me? It could have been me._

They are dealing with humans. Humans driving cars built by humans, cars that can easily break. Humans driving them so they can make mistakes. They all know that when they get into the car, when the engines come to life underneath them. It sounds heartless in Max's head, but if he wants to continue racing, he should not think about accidents and the risk that he is getting himself into. He should not think about what danger he puts other drivers into with his maneuvers. He should not lay awake at night and think about what would happen if he ever lost control of the elements. He thinks about who he would put in danger. Maybe Charles. Maybe Lewis. Maybe even Daniel. He feels nauseous at the thought of it and cries himself to sleep; mourning, worrying, hoping for a safe future.

Everything in the car happens in slow motion, an endless feeling where time is simply becoming irrelevant. Max knows how fast he is, knows what times he has to beat, knows how hard he has to push just to gain a few thousandths of a second for an advantage, knows when he has to brake and where to move to hit the apex. Still, everything feels as if it is in slow motion. He has enough time to turn, enough time to brake, enough time to change directions. He has enough time to control the elements, to control the speed.

Speed only ever happens if you have an accident.

Max remembers waking up in the hospital, surrounded by white walls rather than the tiny space of his car where he could barely breathe. He blinks a few times to get used to the light and when his head throbs with the memories flooding in, he groans quietly, his voice hoarse and his throat hurting like he swallowed a razor blade. Suddenly breathing feels harder than it does inside the car, everything feels way more uncomfortable and he just wants to get out before the walls will crush him and rip him apart afterward. Panic spreads through his entire body and keeps reaching new heights when he realizes that he cannot move his leg. It runs down his back like a wave of cold sweat, his heart starts racing in his chest and threatens to explode every second while he still desperately tries to move and escape.

Charles cries a lot and Max feels overwhelmed, not really sure how he is supposed to comfort the other driver. His hands are trembling and his eyes are red with tears when he sits next to Max's bed. He keeps mentioning Jules and Max feels horrible for doing this to him, for forcing him to live through all the pain again and forcing all the memories back into his mind, much more present and feeling more real than he wants them to. He mumbles something like _don't do this to me, please, Max_ and Max hates himself for crashing in the first place. He lost control over the elements for not even a second, for the blink of an eye and then he kissed the wall in the most ungraceful way, ripping his car, his dreams and his championship hopes apart in the air on his way. He does not want this to affect the people around him so much. He feels horrible for putting them through this.

Victoria holds him tightly in her arms for at least fifteen minutes before Max complains about not being able to breathe. She has tears in her eyes as well and it breaks Max's heart. He sees what this does to the people he loves the most, to the people who love him the most. He listens to his father screaming at him for his dumb actions, for potentially ruining his season. He listens to his mother's desperate voice when she sits next to his bed, holding his hand tightly and crying because the pain of almost losing a child breaks down the strongest walls. He listens to Christian, listens to all his other visitors, listens to his doctor when he tells him about what has happened. Max does not want to hear it, does not want to hear most of it. Sometimes he wakes up at night and all he can hear is the roaring of a familiar engine ringing in his ears and it feels comforting and unbearable at the same time.

Seeing Daniel after the accident is what hurts Max the most. It hurts more than ruining his race, more than destroying his car that he loved so much, more than his father's disappointment, more than Charles's pain. Daniel sobs so hard that he chokes on his tears when he sits next to Max and holds onto his hand as if it is the only thing that keeps him afloat, the only lifeline that saves him from drowning. He looks miserable as if he has not slept in weeks, although the race is barely a few days ago, and he appears so exhausted and almost tiny in between the cold white walls. He does not smile at Max, not the way he smiled at him on Sunday before they parted ways on the way to the paddock. His smile looks sad and relieved at the same time and Max hates it. He hates not being able to see Daniel's cheerful smile, he hates knowing that it is purely his fault. He is the one who causes all of them pain. He is the one who is causing Daniel pain. 

Daniel does not mention Jules once, but Max knows that he thinks about him too, sees it in the painful glimmer in Daniel's eyes and hears it in the deafening silence between them.

_Don't do this to me, please, Max._

Racing is the one thing Max swore to never give up. When he sees the pain in Daniel's eyes, when he hears the desperation in his mother's voice, when he feels Victoria's body shaking with painful sobs, when he tastes the metallic ting of blood on his tongue, forcing his teeth through his lower lip to keep quiet while his dad keeps screaming, he knows that he let all of them down by failing the way that he did. He hurt them, scared them, angered them. And yet Max knows that he could never ever give up racing. He loves it, it is his life and no one could ever take it away from him besides himself.

He loves his mother. He loves his sister. He loves Daniel, which is a thought that scares him more than it should, but most of all he loves racing. Racing is what keeps his blood pumping and his lungs working. Racing is what makes him happy, what allows him to be free. Racing is his life and there is no one he would ever give it up for. 

Not even Daniel.

Max Verstappen is a fighter. He is determined and hard-working, never loses track of his goal and fighting to get what he wants in every way possible. He was born to travel around the world and drive fast cars in circles and he knows it. He will do everything in his power to continue his rise to the top and everyone is aware of that. No one can stop him. Nothing can stop him. Not even a few broken bones and a broken dream. His bones will heal and he will mend his dream back together with blood, sweat, tears, champagne and everything else it takes to do what he loves. He will do everything to get back in the car.

Max Verstappen is stronger than the elements, he is powerful and in control at all times. He is a professional, he is a prodigy. He was born to race and he is one with his car. He will prove that nothing can destroy him, that what kills others only makes him stronger. He cries at night when he is alone with his sorrows and his demons, but he knows that they will never be strong enough to tear him down. He stares at the ceiling of his bedroom with Daniel's chest moving underneath his head at night, breathing in sync with his heartbeat, watching the shadows move while his brain works at top speed, similar to the way he fights at top speed every week. 

Max Verstappen is a racing car driver and nothing will ever change that. Tragedies happen, accidents are inevitable, the drama is always present, but none of it will ever be better than Max. Max, who is one with his car, who controls the elements, who competes against his own kind, against the best, at top speed and with sharp senses and reflexes at all times.

Max Verstappen makes the difference between the good and the great, between the great and the best. He is the lion in a crowd of animals, the king, the predator that out rules them all. He is the strongest one out there. He is vulnerable and tiny and imperfect at night, with Daniel's arms wrapped around him, careful not to press down on his bruises, but it all vanishes when the sun comes up and bathes the world in golden light, golden like the champagne, the phantom of sticky success on Max's skin always present, golden like his dreams and his future.

No matter what hardships life throws his way, Max Verstappen will always come out on top. There is no doubt and he proves it every single day, with every single step he takes, with every improvement of his health after the accident. He is strong and brave and he owes it to the people who mean the most to him, the ones who worry the most, the ones who care the most and the ones who risk the most to be with him, the ones who risk getting hurt by being close to him.

He knows that he is just getting started.


End file.
